Let me tell you about MY last couple of days...

Karma must really hate me right now. I've had the worst last couple of days ever. Thursday, I left work early due to a sinus infection. After trying to sleep it off (and a few OTC drugs), I woke up 3 hours later in a cold sweat no better off than I was. So, I went to urgent care which cost me $109, but was given some free drugs, because once again, I do not have insurance. Friday, I woke up feeling WAAAY better and went to work. I noticed that my left contact wasn't lubricating properly, and after much observation and recollection, it was decided that my eye had not made a tear all day. I thought it must be the contact, but was wondering about the sensitivity to light. After driving home with my sunglasses home that night, I pryed my contact off my eye only to awake the next morning with a brand new discovery. I had Pink Eye! Saturday was the day of Hubbs' surprise birthday lunch and I didn't want to show up with all the redness, so I headed to the local WalGreens for some relief. I drove into town with one eye open and get pulled over by the cops. The Po Po. I had only been awake for an hour and a half, y'all, and I had pink eye and a speeding ticket! 45 in a 25. The young punk actually even asked me to pick my cigarette up off the ground. I didn't want to blow smoke in his face, so I threw it out. Then he asked me to get out and pick it up. I looked at him and said, "Are you serious?" Because apparently, ciggy butts out the window= littering. Let's recap, shall we?
1. Sinus infection that warrants a visit to the Urgent Care
2. Pink Eye
3. Speeding ticket

That's what I've been up to lately, hope your last few days have been a lot better!

SO Totally Random

Can I just say that I Hate! going to the post office for anything other than to check my box? Yesterday, I took off work early to go pick up a certified letter. I rushed to get there and surprise, surprise, everybody and their brother was in line for something or another. Here's a pop-quiz for ya: Which of the following made me more annoyed by the minute? Was it the lady in line talking so loud on her cell phone that people from 3 counties away could hear her? Was it the lady in front of me who was engaged in cooing and baby talk to an infant in front of her ("She's so CUTESY WOOSTY YES SHE IS!".. *gag*)? Or, was it the fact that none of the postal workers were in a great hurry? If you answered "D", all of the above, then you'd be correct!

For all parties concerned (thanks!), I still have not gone to the doctor yet. It's just been a small matter of this tiny thing called insurance, of which I don't have any at this time. And actually, I think I just may be a hypochondriac, because I have not experienced any symptoms as of late. Also? I don't need to go pay a copay of $30 to hear my doctor say, "Here, I wrote it down for you. Go look it up on WebMd.", which she so totally does! It's like, "Here's what's ailin' ya, go do your own research 'cause you're obviously not satisfied with the answer I've given ya, and at least if I write it down you'll search it correctly instead of callin' back tomorrow." She's SOO right! So as soon as I get me some of that there new fangled insurance, I'll be happily on my way to get a few things checked out. Namely, my ears. I get MEGA sinus headaches when the weather starts getting funky (hot to cold, cold to hot) and my ears, they be hurtin'. I feel like they're stopped up and just plain achy. Now, I will admit, I am a complete 'shwa (as in Poo-shwa, code for a not so nice word of a lady's anatomy, and being from the south, honey I just don't use that word along with the C-bomb) when it comes to my ears. If my ears hurt enough for me to lose sleep, guess what? You're gonna lose sleep too, because I'm gonna be all whiny and cryin' if it comes to that. And guess what else? Someone {*cough* Hubbs} is gonna have to rub my hair until I go to sleep, if you ever intend on sleeping, that is. And also, I accidently on purpose stuck a bobby pin in my right ear when I was in college to get some wax out and to scratch the inside of my ear, and that caused me to rupture my ear drum, which hurt like a real mutha. I incurred a slight loss of hearing due to that incident. Oh, but I have so many intelligent stories I could tell...

Second order of doctor business is to get my yearly physical out of the way. Because, really? Unless you're Hubbs, I don't really want you down there. And also, when you are down there, it makes me really uncomfortable when you try to strike up a conversation. That is not a time in which you need to talk to me. Plus, I need some birth control pills. I have not been on birth control in almost 4 years, and next year we're planning on tryin' for a little one. Sounds kinda dumb, huh? Well, unless my monthly friend improves dramatically, I'm gonna be all about the pill.

So, now all that doctor business is all wrapped up, on to more amusing things. Namely, my Hubbs. I'll leave you with some of his most hilarious quips!

*Don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and lives. (passed on by his alcoholic father)
*I'm gonna get you a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a broom"
*Look at the shitter on that critter.
*I am a sexy beast. I am Man-tastic.
*(His explanation for when he's sick, my husband the mechanic says..) "Man, I was up all night. I think I blew a rear main seal.

Bless his little heart, y'all. No wonder I married him.

I {usually} Heart Target

I usually love love love Target. Today? Not so much. I went on my lunch break to the Preppy Target around the corner from the Employment Palace because Hubbs and I went to the one in Regular Joeville yesterday to get birthday cards for both our Madre's and I suckered him into getting some new jeans. Because? All of his could be denominational with all the holes. After he tried them on, he was pretty much tiffed. He thought it was going to be a quick "in and out" trip. HAHAHAHA! Yeah, right. It turned out to be a shorter-than-I-would-have-liked trip, thus the lunch time mad dash to the Preppy one. I got there, scoped out the women's section and took 8 items to the dressing room. NONE OF THEM FITTED ME RIGHT. NONE. I really liked those $4 tee shirts and that cutesy skirt. Dammit. I found a fabulous sail boat bikini to try on. Get your harpoons out! Can we say "beached whale" or "marooned boat"?? I had a hard time concentrating on it's cuteness when all I could see was a ripple of back fat and a pouchy stomach that looked like a swollen Ethiopian child's. And can we mention my GINORMOUS thighs and the rest of my pastey white body? Uh.. YUCK. The first order of business is to find a tanning bed, stat. Everyone knows the darker you are, the thinner you look. Second order of business? Finding me a sugar daddy that can afford me some lipo. It's not a pretty sight y'all. When I met Hubbs, I was a confident, perky size 4. Now, 4 years later, I'm a pissy size 12/14. I like Jen Lancaster's advice: "Weight Watchers can kiss the fattest part of my ass." I laughed hysterically. Until I realized that it may take Weight Watchers to get some of the ass off me. Don't get me wrong.. I am LOVIN' my boo-taay. But the rest of me has GOT. TO. GO. I can deal with the stomach. I can't deal with the Mack Truck thighs and the swishing noise that comes with it. Eww. Like Hateful Bitch (whose blog name I LOVE!), I want to drop some poundage without changing my diet. Me? I love veggies, but I'm not big on fruit. I'm a meat and taters girl, through and through. I have an office job with moderate movement throughout the day (to my smoke breaks.. HA!) but virtually no exercise when I get home, except cleaning and taking the dog out to whiz. I'm thinking of taking the devil dog to the new walking trail down by the casa and taking my daily frustrations out on it. We'll see how long that lasts. I can always try again tomorrow as far as the diet goes. Today's Bojangle's lunch and my pizza dinner just can't wait.

I'm no Rachel Ray, but..

In lieu of a Furry Friday post (well, crapola, I guess this does count as a Furry Friday. see what happens when you bleed for a week straight??), I have a WTF? Friday post.

I was making brownies last night because I'm thriving on chocolate right now, and I noticed that the ingredients on the box looked a little off. You were supposed to add 3 Tablespoons of water, 2 Eggs, and 1/2 a cup of Vegetable Oil. I know. I thought the same thing. I checked the box like three times to make sure that it didn't say 1/3 cup of oil or something. But it didn't. It said 1/2 cup. And then the batter wasn't it's usual consistency. It was all doughy. Nonetheless, I poured it in my handy dandy baking dish and popped it in the oven. Yum-O. It took over an hour for my beloved chocolatey goodness to bake. So I ask you.. WTF? Has Betty Crocker finally flipped her lid? Was it a possible typo? Am I going to die after devouring the WHOLE pan of brownies?? I hope not. 'Cause I have some Breyer's ice cream at the Casa that is waiting to paired with some brownie awesomeness.

Because apparently, I'm all chatty..

I'm all bitchy today. I hate being a woman. I hate having a period and all the uncomfortableness and inconvienence that comes with it. The only thing that makes me not stab someone of the opposite sex, is the fact that I take pleasure in knowing that one day they'll have prostate issues. They {Hubbs} may laugh and poke fun now about the hormones-induced rages, crying jags, and utter rollercoaster of emotions I endure one week out of the month, but the joke's on you, kid. At least no one will be grabbing me by the balls at 50. So there! HA!

I, in my own defense, do not snore. As far as I'm concerned, I sleep very peacefully and soundless during the night. I do not sleep walk, nor do I talk in my sleep. The only exception is when I have had a lack of sleep, alot on my mind, or a long and stressful day. Dear Hubbs called me at work today and the conversation went a little bit like this:

Hubbs: Wow, you must have gotten alot of sleep last night.
Me: Why do you say that? (yes, I get all defensive when I'm on the rag...)
Hubbs: Because, you jumped right up this morning after the clock went off and just got going.
Me: Yeah... Okay.. I also had some pretty weird dreams last night.
Hubbs: Yeah, I know. {snicker, snicker}
Me: Huh?
Hubbs: You were talking in your sleep last night.
Me: Nuh Uh. No way.
Hubbs: Uh, yeah. You were. I rolled over to see what you were mumbling about and you looked at me and said, "Budlight or Heiniken?" {laughing}
Me: I see.
Hubbs: So I said, "Budlight, Thanks. Now go back to sleep." {full blown laughing}
Me: {Laughing hysterically}
Hubbs: You must have been bartending last night. Glad you weren't too tired.

Yeah, it's a good thing I wasn't too tired to sling them beers, honey. Glad I could quench your thirst.

Drivers Beware!

I hate not having internet access at home anymore because it means when I get a blog idea in my head, I have to write it down or try to remember it. My memory is baadd, y'all. As I was driving home yesterday, I realized how much I love and hate to drive at all. I have a pretty short commute from the casa to the employment palace. Only 20 to 30 minutes, depending on the day and the traffic to the Capital City. It just seems like only idiots drive my route to work, so I've decided to post some thoughts on the daily drive.

• On the 3 lane highway that I frequent, if you can not go AT LEAST the posted speed limit you need to reread your drivers handbook that states SLLLOOOWW people need to drive in the right hand lane, dummy.
• If I have to go around you because you are driving too slow in the FAST lane, I will be mad and I will politely cut you off when I get back around you. This is only to show you that your place is in another lane.
• I have road rage.
• I hate to be tailgated. If you decide that you are going to ride my ass even though there are two other lanes wide open, be warned that my brakes work VERY well. I will brake-check you. I will give you three chances to get off my ass. In warm weather I will even pop the sunroof and count them for you. I hope you have great insurance by the time I get to the third chance.
• If we are coming up to a stoplight/sign and you're tailgating me, I will short-stop you.
• I love to use my horn. They wouldn't have put them on cars if they weren't intended for use. I use mine on a daily basis. Also, watch for finger. Bad habits die hard.
• If you slam on breaks in front of me when traffic is just moving right along, just to scream at your kids, put on you lipstick, look at a map, whatever, you will see the finger, hear the horn and also hear a long string of obscenities. Be prepared. Extra points if I have to pass you.
• If you are lost, pull over until you can find your way again. It does not please me when I have to keep slamming on brakes behind you at every intersection. You will also hear the horn.
• If you want to get over in my lane, you better use your blinker. They didn't put signal lights on cars because they look all pretty and sparkly when you turn them on. It's not my fault, nor do I care if you miss your exit. If you'd have used your signal light, I'd have been more than happy to let you over.
• If you blow the horn at me, I will not take the Marlboro Light out of my hand before giving you the finger.
• I can talk and drive at the same time. I personally don't like to talk and drive. I like to drive and listen to the radio. But if YOU can't talk and drive, HANG UP before you side swipe someone.
• I try to drive a reasonable* speed, but if I am going 80 in a 55 and you are dead on me, pass me brotha. Cause I AIN'T MOVIN'. Flash your lights all you want. If you are not a cop or an ambulance, I'm not moving because you feel the need for speed.
• There is a thing called rain that is liquid precipitation that falls from the sky on occassion. When it does, don't be alarmed. You can still go the speed limit. (I mean, really? These AHoles act like they've never seen rain before and creeep down the highway.) God forbid it should snow**.

It really isn't that complicated, people. I love the feel of the open road on a warm day with the sunroof popped. Just drivin' along in my automobile. But I hate it that no one has the common sense God gave them to drive. It just ain't right.

*The way I was raised, reasonable went like this as far as overages of speed limits go: 5, you're fine, 10 you're mine. I try really hard to only go 5 mph over. I don't always succeed.

**This is a whole other story to tell, but if it snows around here, you'd think the world was gonna end.

Going all Green

Well, nothing much has been happening around here the past couple of days. Pretty boring stuff, actually. It's raining and the weather dude is calling for high winds, hail and possibly tornadoes. FUN! But seriously, I love thunderstorms. Always have. They're just really cool to watch, especially if you're out on the porch breathing in that rain smell. I can always tell when we're gonna get some showers. You can smell it in the air. And honestly? Right now, we need all the rain we can get. We're facing serious drought issues in my neck of the woods and unless somebody drops a flood on us, they're not gonna be clearing up any time soon. My dear friend, Steph, is doing her part with her miscellaneous water buckets for household use and her rain bucket. I guess I'm not much of a tree hugger because I'm still indulging in my 20 minute (okay, okay until all the hot water runs out) showers, I'm still using the dishwasher, still letting the tap run while I brush my teeth, still doing nothing personally to conserve water except I stopped buying bottled water. I have considered recycling all of our empty Mt. Dew and Coke cans. I've considered recycling all of my miscellaneous newspapers, magazines, catalogs, junk mail, etc. I consider. I consider alot of things, and while they all sound very good and well-intentioned and all environmentally conscious, I have to say I haven't gone through with a single one. There's lots of talk of using recaptured water. The only recaptured water in my house is when the dog jumps in the bathtub and trys to suck out any remaining droplets of water. Poor thing acts like he doesn't get a single drop to drink all day! And how can I deprive my poor, sweet (and yet so evil), cuddly Pookie?? How can you say no to this face?! I can't I tell you! I just can't! So anyway, we (and by "we", I mean everyone else in the tri-county area, apparently, but me) are trying to conserve. Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!

** In case you're wondering, (I know I'm all nosy like that) Scout's doggy t-shirt says "I Chase Tail"