Rants from the mail bag

Dear Asshat,

Here's a little piece of advice: When you back into someone's car don't be a Supreme Asshole and just leave. You know, like YOU did. I know that you are a CableTV customer and you probably missed their driveway, and so, you, like every other moron who can't read, pulled into Employment Palace's parking lot to turn around. Clearly, for all you illiterate folks, we have signs stating that "Parking is for Employment Palace Customers Only!." However, today while turning around, you backed into MY car and didn't even have the common courtesy to pop in and say, "Hey, I backed into this blue car, and just wanted to let someone know." Now I have a big ass dent in my bumper and paint damage. I know you either felt the hit or heard the crunch, so why you didn't stop is beyond me. Thank you, for like ruining my afternoon. I really appreciate it. It's people like you that makes me wish insurance laws and policies were suspended for just one day so I could drive around in an old jalopy and bust some people open. Please be sure to understand that should you decide to show your face (which I highly doubt) back at this establishment again, I will have you charged with fleeing the scene of an accident. Thanks for being such a total douchebag.

Best,
Snappy

Drivers Beware!

I hate not having internet access at home anymore because it means when I get a blog idea in my head, I have to write it down or try to remember it. My memory is baadd, y'all. As I was driving home yesterday, I realized how much I love and hate to drive at all. I have a pretty short commute from the casa to the employment palace. Only 20 to 30 minutes, depending on the day and the traffic to the Capital City. It just seems like only idiots drive my route to work, so I've decided to post some thoughts on the daily drive.

• On the 3 lane highway that I frequent, if you can not go AT LEAST the posted speed limit you need to reread your drivers handbook that states SLLLOOOWW people need to drive in the right hand lane, dummy.
• If I have to go around you because you are driving too slow in the FAST lane, I will be mad and I will politely cut you off when I get back around you. This is only to show you that your place is in another lane.
• I have road rage.
• I hate to be tailgated. If you decide that you are going to ride my ass even though there are two other lanes wide open, be warned that my brakes work VERY well. I will brake-check you. I will give you three chances to get off my ass. In warm weather I will even pop the sunroof and count them for you. I hope you have great insurance by the time I get to the third chance.
• If we are coming up to a stoplight/sign and you're tailgating me, I will short-stop you.
• I love to use my horn. They wouldn't have put them on cars if they weren't intended for use. I use mine on a daily basis. Also, watch for finger. Bad habits die hard.
• If you slam on breaks in front of me when traffic is just moving right along, just to scream at your kids, put on you lipstick, look at a map, whatever, you will see the finger, hear the horn and also hear a long string of obscenities. Be prepared. Extra points if I have to pass you.
• If you are lost, pull over until you can find your way again. It does not please me when I have to keep slamming on brakes behind you at every intersection. You will also hear the horn.
• If you want to get over in my lane, you better use your blinker. They didn't put signal lights on cars because they look all pretty and sparkly when you turn them on. It's not my fault, nor do I care if you miss your exit. If you'd have used your signal light, I'd have been more than happy to let you over.
• If you blow the horn at me, I will not take the Marlboro Light out of my hand before giving you the finger.
• I can talk and drive at the same time. I personally don't like to talk and drive. I like to drive and listen to the radio. But if YOU can't talk and drive, HANG UP before you side swipe someone.
• I try to drive a reasonable* speed, but if I am going 80 in a 55 and you are dead on me, pass me brotha. Cause I AIN'T MOVIN'. Flash your lights all you want. If you are not a cop or an ambulance, I'm not moving because you feel the need for speed.
• There is a thing called rain that is liquid precipitation that falls from the sky on occassion. When it does, don't be alarmed. You can still go the speed limit. (I mean, really? These AHoles act like they've never seen rain before and creeep down the highway.) God forbid it should snow**.

It really isn't that complicated, people. I love the feel of the open road on a warm day with the sunroof popped. Just drivin' along in my automobile. But I hate it that no one has the common sense God gave them to drive. It just ain't right.

*The way I was raised, reasonable went like this as far as overages of speed limits go: 5, you're fine, 10 you're mine. I try really hard to only go 5 mph over. I don't always succeed.

**This is a whole other story to tell, but if it snows around here, you'd think the world was gonna end.